Friday, November 8, 2013
I dove without hesitation from the beach into the river--the deep green water surrounding me, guiding me forth with purpose toward my destination. I swam toward the now-familiar stone archway and, once through, stood on the flat stone surface--my hair and clothing now completely dry as though I had never been in the water at all.
The lion stood waiting for me on the golden plain, just as before, and I asked him to perform a dismemberment for whatever he deemed needed healing in me, and then to rebuild me again. He turned away from me toward the horizon and together we watched a sudden and rapid gathering of dark clouds off in the distance. I realized then that the dismemberment I had requested would come in the form of a tornado, and not by creature or fire as I had predicted.
The clouds gathered power and speed and began to spin as we stood side by side and watched. I had the thought to be afraid but did not experience the fear in my body. I had been told that the dismemberment experience would be one of comfort and relief, and the lion stood near as my guide. Separate from my mind, my body knew to trust what I had been told.
I felt the wind approach and we stood and waited much longer than I had expected; the wind whipping through my hair and my clothes in a way that felt both ominous and exhilarating. I waited to be caught up into the tornado, to experience the breaking apart of my limbs, my body, but I did not. Instead, I felt the spinning and the darkness overtake me. The lion was no longer standing next to me. I had simply become the winds of the tornado. I had no body, no human form now; I was the dark gray spinning cloud.
I saw the lion again, standing where I had left him down on the golden plain under the clear blue sky, staring off into the horizon just as before. But I was not there standing next to him. Now the dark clouds were gone and I wondered what had become of me--I had no feeling, no form, no sense of my own existence except my thoughts.
And then I saw that I was there--on the plain, under the sky, next to the lion. I was in the shimmering particles of the air--I was the shimmering particles of air, floating and formless. My mind wondered how I would come to be re-membered; rebuilt.
On the horizon I saw clouds gathering again, but this time in deep colors of pink and purple. They began to spin. I imagined that I would experience the tornado in reverse this time, and would be deposited, whole and in human form, next the lion on the plain.
I became part of the magnificent, richly-colored clouds, but they did not turn gray-black as before. I did not understand and began to lose faith that I would not be re-membered at all, and so the clouds ceased their spinning. I felt fear begin to take over and my mind told me that I would not succeed and I believed my mind. And then I remembered that Spirit has taught me to trust and watch and wait to see what is going to happen instead of allowing my mind to try to think my way out of danger or uncertainty.
Trust became my mantra and as part of the rose-colored sky I felt a warmth in my face and my fingers began to tingle. I felt gentle sensations that told me that my human legs had returned. I was filled with relief, but still I did not see myself standing next to the lion. I asked him, "Why do I not see myself?" and he answered, "Because you are within me." It was time to go back.
I ran toward the stone archway as the lion. Through his eyes I saw the flat rock shelf that was the portal for my return. And then I was in the green water in my human form--my heart filled with gratitude--swimming. Swimming up from the bottom toward the light, until I collapsed on the beach, soaking wet and exhausted, cradled by Mother Earth.