Wednesday, July 20, 2011

I see now that I've been in the dark for a very long time. Years it seems. I'm starting to unpack the dreams that most of the time I didn't remember I had...except when I'd catch a brief glimpse that would leave me almost doubled over with the pain in my heart--a sickening flash of longing now and then--before I would stuff it all back in the box and go on.

I want my body back. And my spirit. And my heart. I have given them all away over the years...over decades. I want them back so badly that I feel anxious and queasy and shaky.

So now I'm doing what I can.

I'm filling my shelves with the books that I haven't allowed myself to buy until now--borrowing them instead from the library over and over when I needed an old friend to lift me up. Now I'm making permanent homes for Byron Katie and Geneen Roth, Judith Lasater and Lucinda Bassett, and others who are helping me find my way back. I can see them and touch them and "hear" them now whenever I need to--they literally help me breathe.

I'm finding and protecting time for myself in the morning to read, meditate, do yoga, and increase my strength, even when it means I'm finishing up with a small audience.

I'm taking the time and spending money to care for my skin, my hair, my nails, and my overall appearance; something I haven't allowed myself to make a priority for years.

I'm saying NO. "No, that doesn't work for me." "No, he can't come over." "No, that doesn't fit into my schedule." "No, I can't help you right now."

I'm teaching myself to play the piano because I've always wanted to be able to play the piano and sing like Sarah McLachlan, Tori Amos, Bruce Hornsby, John Ondrasik...

I've signed up for a fall adult Irish step class because I've always wanted to dance.

And I think I'll come back here to write. Not for pay, not for my kids, not for my friends or for strangers...

Just for me.