Running from Martha

2011-07-20T13:05:00.006-05:00

I see now that I've been in the dark for a very long time. Years it seems. I'm starting to unpack the dreams that most of the time I didn't remember I had...except when I'd catch a brief glimpse that would leave me almost doubled over with the pain in my heart--a sickening flash of longing now and then--before I would stuff it all back in the box and go on.

I want my body back. And my spirit. And my heart. I have given them all away over the years...over decades. I want them back so badly that I feel anxious and queasy and shaky.

So now I'm doing what I can.

I'm filling my shelves with the books that I haven't allowed myself to buy until now--borrowing them instead from the library over and over when I needed an old friend to lift me up. Now I'm making permanent homes for Byron Katie and Geneen Roth, Judith Lasater and Lucinda Bassett, and others who are helping me find my way back. I can see them and touch them and "hear" them now whenever I need to--they literally help me breathe.

I'm finding and protecting time for myself in the morning to read, meditate, do yoga, and increase my strength, even when it means I'm finishing up with a small audience.

I'm taking the time and spending money to care for my skin, my hair, my nails, and my overall appearance; something I haven't allowed myself to make a priority for years.

I'm saying NO. "No, that doesn't work for me." "No, he can't come over." "No, that doesn't fit into my schedule." "No, I can't help you right now."

I'm teaching myself to play the piano because I've always wanted to be able to play the piano and sing like Sarah McLachlan, Tori Amos, Bruce Hornsby, John Ondrasik...

I've signed up for a fall adult Irish step class because I've always wanted to dance.

And I think I'll come back here to write. Not for pay, not for my kids, not for my friends or for strangers...

Just for me.

2010-10-02T16:20:00.003-05:00

We've been spending these fall days mostly exploring farms and river towns and chasing the changing colors as far as we can. We've seen cows and eagles and mansions and rising flood waters. We've learned about locks and dams, gin poles, and lumbering. We've dined on a deck over the St. Croix and picnicked next to the Mighty Mississippi.

But sometimes, some of the best homeschool moments happen when absolutely nothing is planned...

This morning we went over to Dowling for a clean up day to make up some volunteer hours. Though at first he groused at the idea of having to be there at all, Snacks ended up spending almost two hours on a gorgeous, sunny fall day working beside two grown-ups whom he had never met before. I proudly listened as he happily conversed intelligently and politely, and watched as he was able to help the older men with things his eyes, back, and fingers could do more easily than theirs.

And I'm pretty sure that during the course of the morning while working with those kind and patient men, he learned more than just a thing or two.

Birthday Girl

2010-08-16T20:55:00.006-05:00

Sissy turned 4 today.

As I write this, my baby girl is fast asleep on the couch--too tired even to open her last two birthday gifts of the day.

At four, Sissy is tall and strong and smart and beautiful. She is sunshiny, feisty, and girly, and she knows what she likes. She sings lots of wonderful made up songs and loves to dance. She loves princesses and Hello Kitty and dolls and stuffed animals and all things sparkly.

Sissy easily keeps up with the older neighbor kids and begged Daddy to let her try out her purple bike without training wheels. She loves reading books and swimming and picking flowers for tiny vases and talking to Debbie next door. She loves grilled cheese and french fries and hardly ever eats dessert. She wants the first and the fullest smoothie but is always willing to share any of her treats.

Sissy has drawers upon drawers of fabulous clothes from Olivia and Louisa (more than she could ever possibly wear in a season!), yet she often declares she has "nothing to wear". Every day I keep my fingers crossed that she will just appear in an outfit so that we don't have to discuss what she will wear--mismatched separates and seasonally inappropriate combinations are the norm. (I always make sure to document as much as possible with the camera for posterity.)

I have become the mother who takes her child out in public without having brushed her hair...for days. Sissy loves to wear her waist-length hair down but hates to have me touch it. It's usually a battle I choose not to pick, even though I swear sometimes she is just hours away from dreads. She always looks darling anyway. If I'm lucky, her dad will offer to do a blow-out for her after her shower--she loves that.

Sissy loves concerts and plays and dance performances and has even gotten to attend formal tea parties with Minna and Aunty Em. She loves to dress up and wear her patent leather Mary Janes...sometimes she just wears her Mary Janes barefoot with her shorts...or whatever. She takes ballet and Irish step classes and loves to show everyone what she has learned. She tries to get her dad to do the proper ballet positions, but he seems mostly hopeless in that regard.

Sissy loves "Girl Time", "Ladies' Lunches", and "Special Daddy Time". She (mostly) adores her older brother and he is (mostly) very patient and sweet with her. (Today, on her birthday, she went to spend her birthday $2 from our neighbor Ellie and Snacks gave her $1.05 of his own money to add to it. He also helped her put together her new doll carriage from Kiki while Daddy was out of town.)

This past year Sissy did away with most of the baby talk that makes my heart melt--no more "fwoodies" (smoothies) or "Forgetti" (spaghetti)--but she did just show me that she was wearing her new "tambourines" (capris) the other day, so my heart still holds hope that she'll be my Little Girl for awhile longer...

We are so in love with our precious Big Girl whose "turning 4 birthday" is today!

Happy Birthday, Sissy!

Growing Up

2010-07-15T13:30:00.002-05:00

Put the last of the fire truck underwear in the rag pile today...

Feels a little bit sad.

The Good Life

2010-07-13T19:16:00.001-05:00

2010-06-25T16:46:00.005-05:00

Things are finally starting to settle down around here and we are getting to enjoy the "fruits of our labors" quite literally.

We have been harvesting bunches and bunches of herbs, rhubarb, strawberries, black raspberries, sugar snap peas, green beans, lettuce, and even a few red raspberries, blueberries, and black currants. A generous neighbor invited us to pick tart cherries from their tree, so we brought home a whole bagful of those too.

I love that the kids can just go out to the back yard to get food; they are learning where it comes from and even how to grow their own.

This morning we decided that since our small strawberry patch wasn't going to produce enough to get us through the rest of the year, we should go out to Apple Jack's to get enough to freeze. We spent most of the day picking berries, admiring all their "junk art", visiting with their flock of fancy chickens, and enjoying fresh strawberry sundaes.

2010-06-19T20:24:00.003-05:00

I have felt so "in over my head" for the past two months that I have not been able to muster the enthusiasm to sit down and write. I have certainly bitten off more than I can chew this spring. We have dealt with chicks that didn't survive, seeds that didn't sprout, and an ever-tightening budget that, quite frankly, is now scaring the hell out of me like never before. I have felt overwhelmed to the point of tears and I have felt hopeless and desperate more than I have felt hopeful.

But tonight I caught a glimpse of what I hope my children will remember from this time in their life, and I realized that I truly couldn't wish for more.

Tonight we grilled grass-fed burgers and ate them in the back yard with strawberries and black raspberries that John and Sissy had picked from the garden just an hour before dinner. For dessert we had homemade banana cake made by Minna, and we're still fortunate enough to have been able to enjoy our cake with fresh milk from farmers we know and trust.

We watched the chickens forage around the yard while we ate, entertaining us with their silly chicken antics. Then Snacks went off to ride his bike with the neighbor boy, and Sissy and her dad rocked in the hammock with the dog nearby while she sang made-up songs about everything she loves.

A perfect summer evening...

It's times like these that I know we'll be okay.

2010-04-10T23:22:00.003-05:00

While I am thrilled that spring is here (and quite early, at that), I am already feeling overwhelmed by all the projects we've planned to undertake this season.

The chicks arrive the week of May 10th. We have everything we need to care for them when they arrive except a giant cardboard box to hold them and the chick feed. I am debating about whether to buy commercial organic chick feed or make it myself.

In the meantime, I have almost 100 tiny basil plants, 12 pickle cucumber plants, and hundreds of Snacks' snap dragons sitting in my kitchen window next to a pile of at least a dozen vegetable and flower seed packets that haven't even been started yet.

We haven't procured the materials for the raised beds yet and I have a lot of rearranging to do in the herb garden that I can't seem to work up the enthusiasm for. I have a worm bin to deal with that should have been turned over last fall, and I am not sure what to do about getting water to the early spring greens I want to plant over at Dowling right now.

I'm already sure I've bitten off much more than I can chew, but if I can get it all right, it sure is going to taste good.

Birthday Boy

2010-03-26T00:01:00.001-05:00

Today Snacks turns 7.

Truthfully, I have been thinking of him as being seven for quite some time now--six seems much too babyish for the boy that he has become.

His feet are almost as big as mine and yesterday we bought him his very first tennis shoes with laces instead of Velcro. They look like man shoes. The top of his head is up to my collar bone and he's lost every bit of his baby face. John and I look at him so often in complete admiration...marveling at how tall and handsome he is already becoming. He hasn't seemed six for so long.

So he's starting out seven with all his permanent front teeth, size 10-12 undershirts that are way too small, and brand new shoes size 3 1/2.

Snacks' favorite color is blue and his favorite clothes have Minnesota Vikings logos on them...though he refuses to wear them unless it's actually football season. His favorite foods are cheeseburgers and cheesecake--neither of which he gets very often--and he complains about most everything else. (I am missing the days when he used to eat squash and avocado and salmon and all kinds of different wonderful things, but he assures me that he'll try them again when he's older.) His favorite band is The Black Eyed Peas; his favorite song Imma Bee. (We have to keep checking all the radio stations for that song while we are driving in the car. If we get to our destination and the song comes on, we wait in the car until it's over.)

We moved past Transformers and Bakugan this year and, thankfully, have not replaced them with anything similarly trendy. Snacks spends lots of time reading books about all kinds of tropical fish and building things out of LEGOs and Magna Tiles. He loves to play board games. He is very interested in how things work and impressed Grampy this week with his understanding of electronic circuits. He is always one of the first to raise his hand and give an answer in any kind of workshop or program setting. Snacks is never shy about his broad range of knowledge.

At seven, we are three months into homeschooling, and "unschooling" seems to suit all of us very well. Snacks has much more time to pursue the things that he loves to do like reading books on subjects of his own choosing (and there are lots of them), playing basketball, taking a ceramics class, taking science classes, doing Cub Scout activities, hanging out with his grandparents, going to concerts and plays, and playing with all of his new friends. He also enjoys (though he would be loathe to admit it) spending time with Sissy whom he considers to be his favorite chess companion...because "she only ever moves her pawns".

We regularly have lengthy, truthful, and (I hope) meaningful conversations about history, government, politics, world events, society, pop culture, and so many things that I never would have thought to ask about when I was just seven years old. He always has lots and lots of questions.

Snacks seems much more eager to participate in gardening this year and has asked for snap dragons and a butterfly garden, both of which he will be starting from seed very soon. He also helped me choose the chicken breeds we ordered and is anxiously looking forward to the arrival of our first chicks in about six weeks. He tags along when we meet up with our farmers in parking lots and alleys, and especially enjoys going out to the farms themselves. We talk all the time about where our food comes from and why we procure and prepare it the way we do, as opposed to buying processed foods from a regular grocery store. We recently talked about how his generation is not expected to have lifespans as long as their parents, and why we are doing things differently so that he and his sister have the very best chance we can give them to be strong, healthy, and long-lived.

As part of growing up, this year Snacks decided that, in fact, our back yard is too small for him to build a house to live in when it's time for him to be out on his own. John and I are disappointed, of course, but we said maybe we could work something out if and when we ever build a new garage. :-)

We are so proud of our sweet, considerate, thoughtful, loving boy who turns seven today. Snacks still loves hugs and kisses and snuggling and makes me cards and valentines that say "I love you" on them. John still carries all sixty plus pounds of him up to bed each night, he loves to have me lay his clothes out for him each morning, and, thankfully, he still hasn't figured out that parents are Totally Embarrassing...yet.

Happy Birthday, Baby Boy! We love you.

2010-03-17T19:57:00.006-05:00

Every once in a while I have the fleeting thought that maybe Snacks is missing out on something by not being in school. When that happens, I quickly try to run through a typical day in my mind and I instantly feel better. Today was a perfect example.

This morning Snacks sat in the kitchen poring over the chicken hatchery catalog looking at all the different breeds while Sissy and I were baking bread. He learned about the standard characteristics of each breed, its history and origin, and what it's best known for (gentle demeanor, cold-hardy, good layer...).

Later we went to meet our milk farmer for the first time this spring. We were early so one of the adults showed the kids how to make wreaths out of the downed willow switches and they all worked diligently while we waited.

After lunch we went to a homeschool presentation on reptiles and amphibians. We ran into two of Snacks' playgroup friends there. We got to see turtles, lizards, snakes, salamanders, tree frogs, and toads, and all the kids got to touch a tortoise and a huge albino Bermuda python.

John was home early this afternoon so he took the kids to play basketball outside at the park across the street and then they dug dirt in the sunshine in the back yard.

This evening Snacks and John watched a program on PBS about the Civil War.

Throughout each day the kids ask all kinds of questions about the world and about life in general. We talk about all kinds of things like why someone might destroy someone else's property, how drugs and alcohol can make you do bad things, why some kids have two moms, how people get to be on professional sports teams, how Elvis died, evolution vs. creationism, how honey bees are declining in population, how to make a lemon meringue pie, and so much more.

We read books and directions and signs. We do math when we pay for things, get gas, figure out how long it will take us to get somewhere, work with the fish tank, and when we bake and cook. And, of course, our life is one big science project!

We participate in Cub Scouts and play sports and take art classes and dance classes and hang out with our friends at the zoo and the History Center and Como Conservatory and Orchestra Hall and the Children's Theater and the Science Museum and in parks.

All of this is why my doubts are so fleeting. Our life is so much richer now...because we feel like we're living it.

Spring Fever

2010-03-12T08:39:00.002-06:00

We are on the home stretch in preparing for the arrival of our chicks in early April.

We passed our coop inspection a week ago Thursday, and yesterday the kids and I ran around town gathering things like bedding for the brooder box, a metal trash can for the chicken feed, and other important chicken-related items. I am already wishing we would have gotten a permit for more than 6 hens!

Tomorrow we are meeting a friendly neighbor who offered to let us come see what kinds of chickens they keep. I discovered that he and his wife are doing the coolest project ever--trying to grow one ton of food on their urban lot in a one year period.

I'm even more inspired!

Southbound

2010-03-03T15:40:00.004-06:00

I have never actually experienced "cabin fever"...until now.

For the past five days I have been inexplicably grumpy. I have made lists and lists of reasons--the house hasn't been cleaned for weeks, I'm behind on the laundry, I have been eating too much junk, we're on the verge of a financial crisis and Snacks needs an immediate ortho consult...--but as all those issues have been resolved, I still find myself in an unbearably crabby state.

Finally today it became clear to me: I hate Minnesota weather at this time of year. And if we had the means, I would happily get us the hell out of here for the next 6-8 weeks.

It's sunny and relatively "warm", but I can't get the kids outside for any length of time because they don't want to play in the mud and crusty snow (I can't blame them), and they don't want to walk more than half a block wearing their rain boots (can't blame them there either). I pushed them out howling this afternoon which lasted only until Snacks locked his sister in the hen house after I told him he couldn't throw any more crunchy snowballs at her.

I so badly want to be sitting out in the back yard under the sun umbrella reading a book or watching the kids in the wading pool. Heck, I'd even be happily pulling weeds right now if it meant being outside.

I'm toying with the idea of trying to dig one of the lawn chairs out from under a couple of feet of snow and ice so I can sit on the one spot of dry sidewalk we've got in the sun. Then I can at least pretend it's spring...

It just might do the trick.

Refreshed

2010-02-09T13:43:00.005-06:00

While I am more than ready for spring, I really needed this fresh coating of snow. Two days of pure, fluffy flakes have covered up the brown, crusty disappointment that February had become.

We have spent the last two days snuggled up inside relaxing and watching the snow fall outside, going out only when we wanted to.

I'm starting to think about getting out the gardening books to see what needs to be started inside and when. I'm wondering where all those tiny planters are going to go since we only have one tiny area with a counter and good light at this point. It's time to turn in the contract for the community garden plot for the 2010 growing season, and I'm trying to figure out how to make the best use of the sunny spots in our yard this year.

If the city inspector ever shows up and we get our small animal permit, we will go pick up our chicks at the end of March. There are all kinds of preparations and much learning to be done before then.

So we are looking forward to what is to come, and trying hard to appreciate the wintry doldrums now. With all that we've got planned, I suspect we'll be looking back and longing for this quiet downtime before we know it.

The Ride

2010-02-04T22:16:00.005-06:00

We are still trying to find our stride.

We're trying out all kinds of new adventures, having lots of fun experiences, running all over town, and meeting lots of cool new people who love to do what we do. We are excited and busy and tired...but most of all we're feeling free.

Free to lie in bed reading or making forts under the covers until we feel like getting up. Free to eat our meals whenever we want to. Free to stay up late watching football games or music award shows if we feel like it. Free to drop everything to run outside to taste the softly falling snow.

We're starting to realize that maybe we've overextended ourselves a little bit this past month...

but we're loving this crazy wild life.

What Children Should Be Taught

2010-01-15T22:18:00.002-06:00

To cook plain wholesome food
To care for his or her own room
That it is better to be useful than ornamental
That the old rule, "A place for everything and everything in its place," is a good one
That he or she should dress for health and comfort as well as for appearance
To respect gray hairs
To be gentle
To be courteous
To be prompt
To be industrious
To be truthful
To be thoughtful and attentive
To do all kinds of housework
To earn money and to take care of it
To be neat and orderly in his or her habits and appearance
To be self-reliant

Changing Course

2010-01-08T22:10:00.006-06:00

I have not abandonded this blog, but have, in fact, been utterly consumed with turning my life completely upside down. On purpose.

We made the decision to homeschool Snacks several weeks ago and, ever since, have been trying to figure out what that means for our lifestyle going forward. This has meant saying goodbye to some well-loved familiar places and some dear friends, while scrambling to find new friends, support systems, and activities.

We don't really know what we're doing, but we know this feels right and good for us. We know that three schools in three years and endless frustration, anger, tears, and ill-will hasn't made for a happy and healthy family. We know that we can trust our strong, brilliant, creative, determined 6-year-old to learn, and learn some more, and never stop learning if we give him enough space and freedom and promise not to crush his spirit.

We know that this is going to be one crazy ride...

and we think it's gonna be freaking awesome.

Grocery List

2009-12-06T14:30:00.002-06:00

Just for fun I thought I'd post one of our current typical co-op shopping lists. It's fun to look back at things like this to see how they (and we) have changed over time.

Grocery List

Bragg's organic raw apple cider vinegar
Whole wheat bread flour (local, organic, bulk)
Rye flour (local, organic, bulk)
Maple syrup (local, organic)
Eggs (pastured, local)
Steel cut oats (local, organic, bulk)
Butter (pastured, local)
Yellow popping corn (local, organic, bulk)
Miso (organic)
Bubbie's dill pickles
Toothpaste
Frozen veggies (local, organic)
Bananas (organic)
Tea (organic)
Dried split peas (local, organic, bulk)
Carrots (organic)
Fresh-ground peanut butter (organic, bulk)
Whole wheat pastry flour (organic)
Raw wildflower honey (organic)
GT Dave's kombucha

Making Ends Meet

2009-11-30T22:08:00.003-06:00

Things are getting a bit more challenging here on the financial front since we decided I would leave my part-time position with my family's business, even after John's pay has been decreased by 75% since the beginning of the year.

Now our mortgage payment is fully one-half of our take-home pay. Luckily, we do have a little bit of savings that has helped us fill in the gaps so far. We are just keeping our fingers crossed that John's business picks up quickly...before our savings run out.

In the meantime, we are grateful that John still has a job, that we have health insurance (more importantly, that we have been mostly healthy), and that we are not in any immediate danger of losing our home.

I have also been grateful that both our mothers have shared with us that things were tight for them too when we were young children. This has been especially encouraging for me to hear because 1) As children, neither John nor I realized that finances were as tight as they were (so hopefully our children will not remember things as being as dire as we sometimes feel like they are), and 2) Both of our mothers are very comfortable now, in their later years. We figure that gives us hope for our financial future too.

We have continued to cut costs wherever we can, even making a game out of it. Recently we dropped our cell phone plan and switched to pre-paid plans to be used for emergencies only, which will save us close to $100 a month. This will help to cover things like medical co-pays, which previously had to come out of savings. Next up for closer scrutiny is our land line and internet. (We never had cable TV, so we couldn't cut that out...)

Except for our food and gas budget, which has been much tighter than we would like, it has been reassuring to know that we can make it without many of the extras.

Cost-cutting measures that we have tried over the last few months that have stuck:

Keeping the thermostat at 60 (sometimes we splurge on a Sunday and crank it up to 64 if we're all home watching football together and not moving around to keep warm!)

Washing all clothes in cold water and shortening the cycles

Drying all the clothes on low and using a "less dry" setting (it still gets them dry!)

Hanging dry some clothes in our bedroom each night instead of using a humidifier for the dry winter months

Stretching one 3.5-4 pound chicken into 4 meals

Buying produce from the 1/2 price "seconds" bin at the co-op (like bananas, apples, and pears) whenever I can find it

Combining (and minimizing) errands

Asking grandparents to give the kids birthday and Christmas gifts in the form of ballet and pottery tuition, instead of giving plastic toys that will be lost or thrown out within days

Replacing expensive gymnastics classes for the kids with much more affordable park board classes (that they like a lot more!)

Cutting Snacks' hair at home instead of having it professionally done

Learning to make some of my own face/body/haircare products instead of buying them

Making all our food from scratch, including things like yogurt, bread, cereal, etc.

Things that we've tried that haven't stuck:

Hanging every single piece of clothing outside on the clothesline to dry

Running the dishwasher with cold water

Trying to concoct my own laundry soap

We have definitely had to become more resourceful. I am especially proud of finding evergreen trimmings a neighbor put out for recycling pick-up that I used in place of expensive spruce tops in our front planters. Looks a little more "Dr. Seuss-ish" than I would like, but the kids don't mind. And they love the tacky red jingle bell wreath I found for less than $2 at the thrift store to put on our front door!

So while we wish we had more money in the bank than we currently do, we are certainly learning to appreciate the things we do have--health, home, food, family...--much more than ever before.

I'm pretty sure we'll look back and say it was all worth it.

Sweet Autumn

2009-10-18T21:55:00.006-05:00

Fall is my very favorite season. Snacks had three days off of school, so I decided to make the most of it.

Wednesday the kids and I went to pick apples. Since it was allowed, we tasted our way through the orchard in order to decide what we like best. Snacks knew about all kinds of apples from his recent trip to an orchard with school and decided on Sweet Tango apples which, he said, taste like a banana split...and I have to agree.

I chose Haralsons to take home for both eating and baking and, of course, who could leave an orchard without at least a few Honeycrisps?

We visited the goats and chickens, ate apple cinnamon donuts, and picked out a pumpkin, some gourds, and some Indian corn to take home along with our apples.

Thursday we went to Heritage Village for the Harvest Festival where the kids got to visit a museum for old tractors and farm equipment, ride on a horse-drawn trolley, pick an ear of corn right from the field, make corn husk dolls and wooden boats, and do some old-fashioned print-making.

Friday John took the day off and took the kids to Cherokee Park to hunt for fossils where they climbed around in a clay pit and came home soaking wet, filthy, and happy with their pockets full of treasures. (And because John typically refuses to travel with a camera, we will just have to imagine what their fun looked like.)

Saturday the big chicken coop project began with John pulling out the old lilac bushes with his old truck and a big chain--a project which included taking apart the back fence and repeatedly running over my poor peony bushes (you can't see them in this picture because, in fact, they are under the truck).

Today the kids and I put our Dowling plot "to bed" for the season while John continued work on the coop. Sissy insisted on driving her car all the way to the garden. Thankfully, it was a gorgeous fall day so Snacks and I didn't mind that the walk had to be leisurely.

We ended the perfect weekend with pastured brats on the grill, chips with homemade salsa, and homemade pumpkin pie the kids and I baked this afternoon.

Life here is good.

Keepsakes

2009-10-16T22:09:00.004-05:00

I often think I should be following my kids around with a camera and a tape recorder all the time. They say and do so many precious things so many times a day; things I want to remember always, but know I'll forget before long.

Today I'm thinking about the smattering of freckles across the bridge of Snacks' nose that you can only see when you are close enough to kiss him, and the way Sissy's hair curls into perfect flaxen corkscrews when it's warm. And I'm remembering Sissy's giant smile in the early morning light each morning after she has climbed over me and tucked herself in to snuggle up to her still-sleeping dad, and the way Snacks offered to give me $9 from his piggy bank when I was searching high and low for some misplaced cash saying, "You can have it, Mom, I don't care when I get my fish tank."

I know I can't record and keep it all...

but I'm sure going to try my best.

2009-10-04T21:06:00.004-05:00

Today is John's 38th birthday. Since I have known him, John has not been on good terms with this particular day of the year.

But this morning he got to snuggle in the dark with his best girl (the little one), and after an hour in bed alone enjoying his coffee in peace, Snacks brought his dad breakfast in bed on the red plate that says, "You Are Special Today," and a fancy birthday card that he made himself.

The kids "kept Daddy company" while he ate, and then John went for a run and worked on his truck.

After several naps and an afternoon to himself at home, John and I went to the Birchwood for an evening out while Grandma Ruth and Bob stayed with the kids.

There's a full moon tonight--a perfect ending to the best birthday John's had in years.

A Perfect Fall Evening

2009-10-01T20:04:00.004-05:00

Cold, dark, blustery and rainy.

Homemade potato leek soup made with my own chicken stock and herbs and CSA veggies.

A glass of organic wine.

A cozy living room.

A soft, bulky sweater.

Kids tucked safely in warm beds...

It doesn't get better than this.

History of Us

2009-09-30T18:43:00.005-05:00

Today I framed the first of our wedding photos. John and I have been married for almost 9 years.

I heard a speaker on public radio this afternoon talk about how people get stronger during times of adversity. Though I have heard it many times, this is the first time that I truly understood it...and believed it.

I believe it's true that this economic "downturn" is making me stronger. I believe it is making my marriage stronger, our family stronger...and it is absolutely making us stronger parents.

John and I can see clearly now the mistakes that we've made over the past decade. We wish we had done many things differently so that money might not be as tight, and our future not so precarious.

We regularly reminisce about how things were when we grew up--so different, we've thought, than how our children are now growing up.

John remembers that his parents always had more than enough money; always had nice things--including a big, fancy house in a swanky part of town...and a sailboat, even though his mother stayed home with the kids. These memories often trouble him because he feels his children don't have what he did at their age. This is a topic of frequent discussion between us.

It wasn't until last week when John shared some of our economic frustrations with his mother that he got a glimpse of how it really was when he was growing up. For example, she told him that she would count the days on the calendar until his dad got paid so she could go to the grocery store.

And thus, a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

This is precisely the reason that I maintain this blog: To chronicle how it really was for my children to look back on. As they grow up I want them remember all the things we have done together, how much they are enjoyed and loved, and all the things we are working so hard to teach them.

And, selfishly, I want them to know me like I have never known my own mother.

And so the wedding photos framed today are a part of working to surround my kids with more proof of their real history...

Visual complements to my written words.

2009-09-25T20:40:00.005-05:00

Historically, Friday has been the day that Sissy and I go pick up the groceries.

Today I was reflecting on how much "grocery shopping" has changed in the past year. It used to be that we would run to Whole Foods, get everything on the list, and return home. Period. End of story.

Now, things look quite different.

Where we once easily tootled up and down a few aisles grabbing "organic" boxes of macaroni and cheese, bags of salad, quarts of yogurt, and then were done with it, we now find ourselves participating in much more elaborate food-gathering endeavors.

We wait in line in alleys and parking lots to meet farmers who deliver milk, meat, and veggies fresh from their farms. We pop into a warehouse at the back of a junk yard lot to pick up goods shared by other "Trad Foodies". We join casual buying clubs with people we only know through a local email list (which always involves driving across town to pick something up from some stranger's home). We dig dirt, haul water, and pull weeds in order to grow much of our own food.

And while it seems like the acquisition of food has gotten much more difficult the way we do things now, in many ways, this kind of living actually makes everything so much simpler.

And we can't imagine doing it any other way.

2009-09-21T19:06:00.003-05:00

Yesterday I had the loveliest birthday in recent recollection. The kids (read: John) made me breakfast in bed. I got to lounge around for a while (which never happens), and then was presented with my birthday present made by Snacks--two "flowers" in a "vase"--plus the birthday cards that the kids made which I will save forever.

I walked around Lake Harriet with Kari and along the way enjoyed some pink frosted cupcakes from YUM! (which she carried in a fancy box most of the way around the lake) as my official birthday cake.

John took the kids to the pool so I got to spend the entire afternoon by myself sitting in my favorite place--the patio under the umbrella with the dog at my feet--where I pored over all my notebooks from the past year and took a fascinating trip down memory lane.

Then I wrote up my personal goals for my 39th year:

1. Fit into a pair of size 8 jeans.

2. Focus more on ME (in fact, my new mantra for this year is, "Appreciate yourself and honor your soul,"--yep, I got that off of a tea bag...).

3. EMBRACE my role as a stay-at-home mom and recognize that, though I contribute minimally to our bank account, I HAVE VALUE.

4. Learn to live comfortably within our means--whatever they are.

5. Put 100% effort into my marriage.

After my fabulous and relaxing afternoon alone, John and I walked to my current fave restaurant--Craftsman--had a delicious and leisurely local/sustainable candlelit meal (complete with TWO fancy drinks and dessert!) and enjoyed a nice stroll home.

Happy Birthday to me!

39 Things I'm Grateful for on My 39th Birthday

2009-09-20T11:43:00.000-05:00

(...in no particular order).

1. My life (in general)

2. My health

3. My husband and two sweet, beautiful, healthy children

4. My dog (and the sweet memories of my others)

5. Our cozy, beautiful home

6. I still have my parents and my kids still have all their grandparents

7. My family is safe and we are together

8. I get to tuck my kids in every night and kiss and hug them every morning

9. John has a job and we have health insurance

10. We can afford to have me stay home with the kids

11. We can afford good, healthy, quality food

12. I have learned how to cook

13. Our cars are paid for

14. We have cardinals, blue jays, and hummingbirds in our yard

15. We have great neighbors

16. We know wonderful farmers who carefully and lovingly produce our food

17. We got a garden spot at Dowling (and now there's a waiting list 150 names long)

18. I have great friends

19. I have lots and lots and lots of wonderful memories from the last 39 years

20. My kids are strong and curious and thoughtful and bright

21. I am surrounded by many beautiful and meaningful things

22. I have the gift of optimism

23. I am strong and resourceful

24. I have a lot of experience and many, many skills

25. I love to learn

26. I love to mentor

27. I am surrounded by grass and flowers and trees and gardens

28. I can hear crickets through the open window

29. I have a special spot in the yard where I love to sit and read

30. I get at least a little time for me almost every day

31. I can find support when I need it

32. I am surrounded by books that I love

33. We live just a few short blocks from the river

34. We have comfortable beds to sleep in every night

35. When I lie in bed and look out the window all I can see are trees and sky

36. I found the courage to cut most of my hair off and I love it

37. I have options and am free to make my own choices

38. I have the job I've always wanted--being a stay-at-home mom

39. I will likely have at LEAST another 39 years (and hopefully many more) to have wonderful experiences, meaningful relationships, and many more precious memories

2009-09-18T22:03:00.003-05:00

John is leaving at 5 a.m. tomorrow to go fishing all day with friends. He is sleeping downstairs tonight in hopes of not waking the kids so early (6 a.m. is early enough!).

I am looking forward to a leisurely Saturday morning with the kids. They'll be up early, as usual, but it will be nice to get out of bed when we feel like it, instead of because we have to in order to make it to school on time.

I can enjoy my tea and make zucchini muffins while they jump on the bed. We can get dressed when we feel like it.

I can't wait.

2009-09-11T22:23:00.005-05:00

Sissy and I had a lovely impromptu "Ladies Lunch" today. After shoe shopping, we decided to stop for a bite--a rare treat these days.

We were in the mood for a little splurge and even split cheesecake for dessert. And, in honor of the occasion, I even indulged her when she asked for a tiny dab of my lip gloss. She was very proud of her sparkly lips.

I am so acutely aware that this is the last school year my youngest will be home full-time with me...

I want to be sure to make the most of it.

2009-09-10T11:59:00.003-05:00

It has been one year since I started teaching myself how to cook. Somehow, I left the nest without that skill and managed to happily subsist on Aunt Jemima pancakes, tortillas with cheese, frozen pizza, and microwave burritos for many, many years.

But last year, the likes of Gary Taubes, Michael Pollan, Barbara Kingsolver, and Sally Fallon changed my life forever, and I went from having to look up the "recipe" for hard-boiling eggs to sauteing chard and beet greens in bacon grease with onion and hot chili flakes in a cast iron pan.

Last year I believed that feeding my children anything labelled "organic"--from mac & cheese to boxed cereal--was doing the best for them. In the past year, I have taught myself to make ratatouille, yogurt, pizza, sourdough bread, and even breakfast cereal. I have tried new recipe after new recipe, even learning to improvise and make up my own.

I taught myself to cook by watching PBS cooking shows while Sissy napped and Snacks was in school, by watching and listening to my friend (and chef extraordinaire) Kristie, and by reading Sandor Katz, Mark Bittman, and Alice Waters. I've come from asking John to cut up an onion for me to being able to give Rachael Ray a run for her money on a fine dice. I made little post-it notes for my refrigerator that show me how big a 1/4" dice or 3/8" slice should be. I unplugged my microwave and took it to the basement.

Sometimes I get really overwhelmed, and sometimes we just throw in the towel and order an "Emergency Pizza", but I'm proud of how far I've come, and I can't wait to see where I go from here.

2009-09-07T19:03:00.003-05:00

Today was essentially the last day of summer since school starts tomorrow. Snacks will be in first grade. I can't believe I'm a grown-up and that I have a first-grader. I remember my own first grade teacher, Mrs. Slowe, well. I loved her so and even accidentally called her "Mom" once, which I was terribly embarrassed about at the time.

It was a wonderful, memorable summer. Perfect weather, plenty of fun activities, and many, many teachable moments ranging from where our food comes from to how the economy at large affects our small family unit--big lessons for all of us these past few months.

We said good-bye to Red Fin and welcomed Sapphire and Apple into our home, and we have been given the precious gift of more time with Sebastien.

Snacks learned to jump off the diving board at Grandma Ruth's, and falling off the tube behind Grampy's boat (and, to his surprise, surviving!) gave Snacks a huge boost of confidence that gets me all "misty" with pride. The little guy who had been afraid of getting his face and hair wet (and whom we had to sponge bathe for 8 months when he was a baby because he would have nothing to do with the tub) has turned into a Real Kid with new big front teeth who tells me over and over how deep under water he went and that he has big plans to dive head-first off the diving board soon.

Sissy has truly turned into a Big Girl--she no longer looks like our little baby, and has really developed an attitude--and style--all her own. This was the summer that we sat down on the floor of her room and went through every single item of her clothing one-by-one and got rid of each item she refused to wear--even the ones I was really sad about giving away. And she conned the unsuspecting Maria into buying her sparkly purple flip-flops two sizes too big when she knew my rule was no flip-flops without back straps at her age!

I'm a little sad that summer's over, but I'm looking forward to my favorite season and the break I'll soon get from the garden and the overwhelming amounts of weeding, watering, and fresh produce (we're up to 33 pounds of tomatoes so far!)--though I know I'll miss it all all too soon.

So here's to you Perfect Summer! Catch ya again next year...

2009-09-05T18:50:00.004-05:00

There is so much I want to write about; to keep track of both for myself and for the kids. I want to remember that the weather this summer couldn't have been more perfect--sunny, low 70's and breezy most of the time--and that the parsley petered out by the beginning of August so next year I need to be sure to harvest and preserve tons in June and July and not give most of it away because I don't know what to do with it all. And I want my kids to know, someday, that I tried the best I could to make all the "right" parenting decisions a hundred times a day but, the truth is, I really have no idea what I'm doing...and neither will they when it's their turn.

But there never seems to be enough time in the day and writing is something that I am still considering a guilty indulgence...not a waste of time, but something that I get to do only when everything else is done...which is, of course, never.

I've grown tired of following John around and reminding him that the bowl of cereal he's eating with cinnamon, raisins, and milk has put him way over his food budget for the day. It's no longer interesting or exciting to calculate the cost of each muffin or piece of pizza. I don't care if I ever eat rice and beans again as long as I live.

I've decided to go back to living off the Fresh Air Fund that Jen once told me about when all we had to live on for 18 months was John's unemployment and a whole lot of faith. It worked back then and I'm going to trust that it will work now.

I have mixed feelings about summer coming to an end. On the one hand, I felt some relief when I realized today that the basil is past harvesting so I don't have to fret about keeping up with it and all of the other fresh produce that has been coming into my kitchen and overwhelming me. On the other, I'll miss being able to go out to the back yard to pick my own fresh food.

And I'll miss walking with the kids down to Dowling to water, pick tomatoes, look for raspberries and worms, and listen to Sissy yell, "Ladies and Gentlemen!" into her onion stalk microphone.

But fall is my very favorite season and there is so much to look forward to--brightly colored leaves, sharing Snacks' excitement at going into first grade, Sissy's very first ballet class, crisp air, cold rain, my birthday, apple picking, fall baking, and Halloween.

My hope is the colder it gets, the more time I'll find to write.

2009-08-31T09:35:00.004-05:00

Red Fin 2009

While I survived the night without my kids, Snacks' Beta fish did not fare so well. I found him lifeless this morning when I went to raise the window shade in Snacks' room.

One week ago we thought we were going to lose our dog but, thankfully, did not. Now I have to tell Snacks that his beloved fish died.

Snacks talked all the time to his fish, played music for him, insisted he understand English, and has declared him to be his favorite pet, even above the dog. He asked to repaint his room so Red Fin could feel more like he was in a tropical region.

When he left yesterday he asked me to make sure that I played music for Red Fin while he was gone overnight. I played a few minutes of Dan Fogelberg's greatest hits while I fed him.

The kids drawing pictures of Red Fin

We'll miss you Red Fin.

2009-08-30T11:48:00.003-05:00

John drove away with the kids not five minutes ago to go on an overnight sailing adventure in Lake City with Grandpa E.

This is my first night alone at home in over 6 1/2 years. While there are so very many possibilities, I have no idea what to do with myself...

2009-08-25T20:45:00.002-05:00

Life doesn't often give second chances, but the kids and I feel like we got a second chance with our well-loved furry friend today.

We thought today would be our last day with him, but it looks like we've been given the gift of (hopefully) many, many more days with Sebastien.

Days we'll remember to scratch his favorite spots more, give him more treats, and let him scrounge around in the strawberry patch all he wants.

2009-08-23T19:23:00.004-05:00

The kids and I went to the H*neymoon Creamery picnic this afternoon to meet the cows who give us our milk every week.

It was the perfect afternoon--beautiful weather, good food, and friends.

We got to see the farm, tour all the outbuildings, see where the cows are milked, socialize with the farmers (Paul & Emily), and learn about the animals.

The cows--100% grass-fed!

The potluck--lots of healthy, yummy homemade food!

Looking for chickens in the berry patch.

Truly free-range chickens!

2009-08-21T20:37:00.004-05:00

Snacks and I spent the better part of the afternoon at Dowling. He worked on some kind of "construction site" for earth worms while I tended to the disaster that is my tomato space. We seem to have a ravaging case of blight and that, coupled with the cheap tomato cages we used, means things are not looking so good over there.

Nevertheless, we hauled 8 more pounds of tomatoes home.

Today's experiment was trying to dehydrate the cherry tomatoes from the CSA box. I think we're close to 11 hours (they were supposed to take 7-11 hours total) and most are not even close to "leathery". I'm not sure I feel like staying up 'til all hours watching over a few cherry tomatoes, but we'll see.

I thought I was pretty ingenious with dinner tonight--used up lots of CSA veggies! Arugula salad with tomatoes (of course) and a cucumber and chives from the back yard. I did a little improvising with Alice Waters' Curly Kale and Potato soup and threw in the rest of the Anderson Farm hot dogs. Truly delicious! (Though, I admit, I was the only one who ate it.)

2009-08-20T21:33:00.001-05:00

I thought I had a lot of tomatoes when we brought home 7 pounds from Dowling yesterday. Today we got at least another 7 from the CSA box.

I can't make salsa fast enough.

2009-08-19T19:54:00.002-05:00

Our first tomato harvest!

It's hard to believe that the 16 gangly, tangly tomato plants at Dowling started out as teeny tiny seeds on our window sill just a few months ago.

Snacks is holding the 7 pounds of tomatoes that we picked today. Tomorrow I make SALSA!

2009-08-15T19:15:00.006-05:00

Today was a busy but satisfying day of work:

Full breakfast for everyone followed by lots of laundry catch-up after not having a washer for over a week. Got Sissy fitted for ballet slippers for her fall class and then dropped her at Minna's to decorate her Pinkalicious birthday cupcakes for tomorrow. Modified Alice Waters' Ratatouille recipe to use up lots of CSA veggies and some yummy sausage from the Trad Foods warehouse. Cleaned out and organized the upstairs freezer, watered the food plants in the back, and brought the laundry in from the line just in time for the rain to start (it rained only because I had just watered, of course). Picked up the house, threw together quick dinner of leftovers while John gave Snacks a haircut, and got the kids to bed. Made cream cheese, worked on ANOTHER trial version of fresh milk yogurt, soaked oats and pizza crust for tomorrow.

Whew! Feels good.

This week's veggie faces from the CSA box:

Veggie Face by Sissy

Veggie Alien by Snacks

Today's cucumber harvest from the back yard:

2009-08-13T19:29:00.003-05:00

Tonight's dinner fresh from the CSA box:

Salad
Napa cabbage, arugula, tomato, cucumber, sweet pepper, basil (from our Dowling garden!), garlic, chives (from the back yard!), pastured hard-boiled eggs, and pastured chicken, homemade vinaigrette.

Dessert
Corn on the cob dripping with pastured butter and Real Salt. Heavenly!

2009-08-11T16:06:00.003-05:00

Chickens have been a hot topic at our house this week since Snacks is at "farm camp" at Dodge for four days taking care of the chickens and other animals. Snacks and Sissy are currently sitting on the living room floor building chicken coop templates out of Magna-tiles.

John and I are signed up for Urban Chicken 101 at the co-op in September. Snacks declared that is "like a year" away and can hardly wait for us to return with all the information.

Having overcome the hurdle of who would take care of our chickens if we went out of town (neighbors on both sides have enthusiastically volunteered in exchange for free eggs), our current hang-up is what to do with the hens when they are no longer laying.

If they have become like pets, how can we eat them? But if we have all these "old hens" milling around, how will we have room for hens that are actually laying? Snacks is already thinking up names...

We could be in trouble.

2009-08-06T20:30:00.005-05:00

We still have more than two months to go with the veggie CSA boxes. Every week we venture over to pick up our box, the kids throw the ball for the drop-site doggie, and we head home so I can figure out how to stuff all of those veggies into my already overflowing refrigerator (I haven't been 100% on keeping up with my plan to have all the previous week's veggies eaten before the new ones arrive...).

This week, this kids talked on their zucchini "phones" all the way home. Then Snacks felt compelled to make a "veggie face" out of some of the contents of the box (notice the red pepper and green bean barrette).

He was delighted to find some unusual looking carrots and a "Siamese twin" yellow squash--something you would never see in a grocery store!

Snacks found our very first tiny baby watermelon in our back yard garden today. We are keeping our fingers crossed that our little chipmunk friends (and we use that term loosely) have no interest in watermelons.

It was a busy day for me in the kitchen again. I had a list that seemed a mile long but only got through about half of it (as usual). I pulled apart the chicken that I cooked last night and separated it into batches for eating quickly and freezing. (The days of eating big pieces of chicken as a main dish are temporarily on hold--must stretch chicken as far as we can!) Then I made chicken stock that filled the whole house with wonderful yummy smells all day. Homemade macaroni and cheese (with bits of chicken), fresh green beans, and rhubarb crisp (from the back yard garden) for dinner.

Basil and other herbs will have to wait to be harvested. Again.

2009-08-05T20:50:00.003-05:00

I've learned that there are always little gifts whenever big scary things happen.

This time, one of them is that I finally got the clothes line I've been longing for for years. I used to want it for "green" reasons; now I need it for financial reasons. Either way, it is a great feeling to know that the wind and the sun are doing something that used to require fossil fuel to accomplish.

The added bonus is that I've found it to be a completely Zen experience to be out in the yard listening to the late-summer crickets and frogs while taking the freshly washed and dried laundry down from the line after the kids have gone to bed.

I wonder what the gift will be that comes out of our latest challenge: a broken washing machine...

I'm still spending much of my time in the kitchen. I haven't quite gotten the rhythm of planning and cooking down to a science yet. Things need to be taken out of the freezer and thawed a couple days ahead of time or soaked for hours in kefir or whey. Harvesting and using or preserving the small amount that I have here in the kitchen garden is overwhelming...I wonder how I'll do it all next year when I'm planning to grow what we've been getting in our CSA boxes this summer.

I ate a few blackberries off of our new bush tonight while I was watering. All of this sure is a lot of work...

But so worth it.

2009-08-03T19:17:00.003-05:00

Things that we will (hopefully) look back on one day and laugh about:

1. Our bathroom ceiling, our back door threshold, and our laptop are all currently held together with duct tape.

2. 75% of our dinners include some variation of rice and beans.

3. I was able to figure out how to sign Sissy up for the ballet class she has been begging for this fall by piecing together monetary birthday gifts from all of her grandparents to get her tuition paid through Christmas, at which point I'll piece it all together again to (hopefully) get to spring.

4. I sent John out to get a $4 clothes line to hang in the back and he came back with a $18 piece of rope which I went back and returned in order to get the $4 clothes line myself.

5. I have a spreadsheet the shows the cost of every ingredient we have in the house and where to get each ingredient at the best price, and another spreadsheet that shows the cost of all our regular recipes per serving.

6. I follow John around and wave my fist at him yelling, "That glass of milk is 38 cents!!!" and, "Put some of that cheese back--I said a SPRINKLING of cheese!"

7. I have significantly lowered my standards and let the kids "recycle" clothes I would previously have made them throw in the laundry so we can do fewer loads and reduce our water and energy costs.

8. We sit in the dark. A lot.

2009-08-01T20:22:00.003-05:00

We are working hard to face up to our current financial challenge. Our income this year will be about half of what it was last year. This will likely be a good learning experience for us--I'm looking at it as a kind of game where I have to figure out how I can get everything for cheaper without compromising our values and quality of life.

I calculated that our current food budget is considerably less than we would get if we qualified for food stamps. I have to prepare three meals a day for four people that average $4.60 per meal--that's $1.15 per person per meal with no snacks! John had a loaded PB&J, two hard-boiled eggs, and a glass of milk for lunch yesterday that totaled $1.76! The good news is that we have a fully-stocked chest freezer in the basement and our CSA veggie boxes are already paid for and will continue through mid-October.

I told John tonight that, miraculously, we were really prepared for this. We have a little bit of money in savings, both cars are paid for, and I read all 1000+ pages of The Complete Tightwad Gazette last spring.

I already have a detailed spreadsheet that shows the cost of most of our staples at the co-op, Whole Foods, and the other places we shop, so I know what to get at which store. I also have it all broken down by cost per serving per ingredient and per finished recipe per serving. I know that our pastured eggs cost 27 cents apiece and that our homemade bread is 10 cents a slice and that our sea salt is 3 cents a teaspoon. I am so grateful that I already had all that in place because, under stress, it would have been way too overwhelming.

I had also already been stocking up and buying things in bulk so I get case discounts and the quarterly 10% discount from the co-op. I was already freezing produce from our garden, washing and reusing baggies, and washing my hair with baking soda and apple cider vinegar instead of shampoo and conditioner.

Now we are washing fewer and larger loads of laundry and washing everything in cold water (all the "green" folks swear this works just as well and, so far, I'm finding it does!) and John is rigging up a clothes line in the back yard tomorrow. We are even running the dishwasher in cold water with half a shot of detergent and unplugging it before the dry cycle is done. I've unplugged all the night lights and things that keep sucking power even when off, like the computer, the coffee maker, and the phone chargers. I've been mending things with an actual needle and thread instead of just throwing them in the give-away pile. I'm a woman obsessed.

Thankfully the kids are well-stocked for clothes for fall and winter, including winter coats. I just picked up a pair of pink winter boots for Sissy at a garage sale for $4--just need to find boots in a size 4 for Snacks. I got Snacks' new backpack and lunch box on sale with free shipping and all his school supplies at Walm*rt (a first for me!) for under $20.

2009-07-29T21:32:00.004-05:00

We are suddenly in a bit of a panic as we have just learned that our household income will be cut significantly starting mid-August.

Inspired by The Tightwad Gazette, I have already been working hard to cut costs; little did I know it would become an absolute necessity.

We're cutting out everything that isn't absolutely essential, and my grocery budget has been slashed almost in half.

I remain committed to feed my family only whole, organic and sustainable foods. I'll just have to get more creative and figure out how to stretch everything even further.

Good thing I've been practicing.

2009-07-27T20:16:00.003-05:00

Homemade Mint "Iced" Tea

Wash and skim the leaves off of 4-8 stalks of freshly-picked mint (I'm playing with this to see if the level of "minty-ness" changes with the number of stalks).

Gently crumple the leaves to bruise them and put in 2 quart bowl.

Pour 4 cups of boiling water over the leaves and steep for 10 minutes.

Strain leaves out and add 4 cups cool water to hot water in bowl.

Pour into glass container(s) (I use G.T.'s kombucha bottles) with lids and refrigerate.

Note: I don't add ice since I just grab the chilled bottles out of the fridge to drink. If you were to add ice, you would need to experiment with the level of concentration of the tea to allow for the melted ice.

2009-07-24T20:30:00.004-05:00

Today the kids and I went in search of some currant bushes at Natura Farms. We were lucky enough to track down the manager and got tons of information and nine awesome berry bushes to plant in our yard--black, red, and white currants; golden raspberries; and gooseberries (at Snacks' request).

For fun we picked a few pick-your-own gooseberries--which Snacks got to sample from the wild at Dodge's "Nature's Playground" camp last week and has declared to be, "better than all the other berries put together!"-- and some black currants.

We had a picnic lunch near the lake where Sissy could watch the horses-- Castle Rock cheese curds, homemade muffins, and fresh-picked gooseberries.

At home tonight we had to dig up what seemed like gazillions of day lilies to make room for the new berry bushes. I wanted them to go to a good home, so I posted them on FreeCycle. Both families who are coming to get them have six-year-olds, which is helping Snacks feel just the tiniest bit better about getting rid of them. He has been trying to replant them almost as fast as I can dig them up.

2009-07-22T23:18:00.002-05:00

We managed to use up all of the veggies from the CSA box except one HUGE zucchini and a couple of small pickling cucumbers, all of which will easily keep for at least a few more days.

To use up the veggies, dinner tonight was brown rice with lentils. I mixed in some leftover sausage from the Trad Foods warehouse (which we cannot get enough of--it is so good!) and some sauteed zucchini, steamed and diced beets, and a handful of parsley from the back yard.

New box comes tomorrow.

2009-07-21T21:39:00.003-05:00

I am tired. Keeping up with our food is hard work. Trouble is, there's no turning back now. I wouldn't dream of doing anything any differently...except maybe trying to get more sleep.

Last night I was up late in a panic trying to figure out where we are going to get fresh milk come end of summer. We were officially notified last night that our current dairy and egg CSA farmers will be retiring.

Though I can easily get milk through a farmer who is affiliated with the Trad Foods warehouse, I have become very spoiled by the milk we've been getting from Jersey cows--sweeter with a higher fat content than other dairy breeds. After much research, some phone calls, and a flurry of emails, I think I have secured a spot with a farm that at least has Jersey-cross cows. I was thrilled and relieved to find that they are still accepting new customers.

This puts us one step closer to making the decision to get our own laying hens...the only thing holding us back at this point is trying to figure out what we will do with the hens once they are no longer laying. John says we should put them "in the stew pot" as most other folks do (he was inspired by our visit to the Anderson Farm a couple of weeks ago), but I'm not sure I can do that if the kids (and I) have come to know them as pets.

I am getting behind with the veggie CSA box. I pulled out all the veggies that needed to be eaten by tomorrow night so John could figure out what to do with them while I made the spaghetti for dinner tonight. (I decided I can't take the pressure all on my own right now.) We used up some zucchini in muffins and in spaghetti sauce (of course, the children have no idea), and John made a salad with the rest of the lettuce, some dill, steamed beets, and some pickling cucumbers. I still need to make sauerkraut with the red cabbage but I haven't been able to work up to it...or the bread-baking this week, for that matter. (Thankfully, I always make two loaves at a time and had some stashed in the freezer!)

In my own garden, there are so many herbs that I want to harvest and freeze but, somehow, there just aren't enough hours in the day!

2009-07-19T20:49:00.004-05:00

Today was the first day since the middle of last week that it was warm enough to eat on the front porch. (Note the mid-summer date!) The kids and I happily returned to enjoying our home-cooked meals and freshly picked berries on the checkered table cloth--it felt like summer again!

I have spent the last couple of days harvesting and preserving some of the herbs from the back yard, and I figured out how to make peppermint tea from the mint in the garden--it is heavenly!

The kids and I worked in the Dowling garden this morning. We dug up all but four of the remaining basil plants to bring home for more full-sun exposure and picked what looks like might be just about the last of the raspberries and black raspberries of the season.

At home this afternoon we repotted the basil, weeded all the gardens, and watered like crazy.

2009-07-14T21:37:00.003-05:00

The last couple of days I had been fearing "kitchen burnout"...only I knew I didn't want to do anything any differently so, really, it wasn't an option.

I took last night "off" (AFTER dinner, that is) and just let all the dishes and collateral mess sit while I sat...on the couch.

Though there was still the mess to clean up this morning, it was totally worth it to have at least part of last night off.

With renewed energy this morning I cleaned the kitchen in no time. Then I made zucchini spice muffins for breakfast (the kids' favorite recipe so far...they have no idea there was zucchini involved), pulled all the chicken off the bone (it cooked by itself last night while I sat on the couch), set some chicken aside for dinner and froze the rest, made four quarts of chicken stock, two quarts of beet kvass, one quart of sauerkraut, kefir, and some pesto.

Whew!

I'm back.

2009-07-11T20:28:00.003-05:00

Today we drove out to Anderson Farm so the kids could see where a lot of our meat comes from. They got to see chicks, piglets, and cows all on pasture.

We got to sample all kinds of traditional food and brought home a cooler full of pastured meat that lived a happy life.

2009-07-09T20:22:00.004-05:00

We are certainly getting our fill of fresh berries these days. Every day we are getting them now from Dowling, or our yard (only a few there), the CSA box, or the neighbors. We are berry-stained and loving it!

On the 4th we had red, white, and blue sundaes with Cedar Summit ice cream, strawberries, and black raspberries (we called those "blue")--delicious! There have been strawberry rhubarb crisps, strawberry pie, and just plain berries to eat with our fingers.

I'm on a hunt to find some fall raspberries to plant in the back yard...

Yum!

2009-07-03T22:54:00.002-05:00

The last several days have been filled with gratifying work.

Wednesday was all about strawberries...picking, washing and hulling, baking, freezing, and, of course, eating strawberries. It was fun listening to the kids--as they stuffed themselves full--saying, "I picked this one! Mommy picked this one!"

I was up late working to get as many berries as I could into the freezer while they were still just-picked fresh.

Yesterday Sissy and I picked small handfuls of the first red raspberries and black raspberries at our Dowling garden and ate them right up. We watered and weeded the tomatoes and basil and marigolds.

It was CSA veggie pick-up day and the usual race to get all the veggies in the fridge and figure out what needed to be eaten first (the strawberries, of course!) I made red beans with coconut rice and pastured bacon for dinner and threw together a romaine salad with fennel, garlic scape, green onion, and John's homemade vinaigrette. Sissy begged for her own salad and ate every bite!

This morning we went to Dowling to dig out the unhappy basil (not enough sun!) and stake the tomatoes. We scored a few more raspberries and decided tomatoes cages would work better than stakes, which meant we would have to purchase 16 of them, so Snacks and John ventured off in the Big Rig this afternoon in search of some.

We worked quite a bit in the yard--mowing, weeding, moving plants around, mulching...it was heavenly to see things come together that we've been "meaning to do" for a long time. The kids filled a kiddie pool and splashed around for hours. John and I used the water to water our trees after the kids went to bed.

Dinner tonight was homemade quiche with whole wheat and spelt crust, Sweetland eggs, pastured cheese and bacon, chard and garlic from the CSA box, and chives from the back yard (I made a "plain" version for the kids, but Sissy asked for ours!) Dessert was a homemade strawberry pie. Delicious.

To use up the LAST of the strawberries, I assembled two strawberry rhubarb crisps for the freezer.

I'm exhausted, but life is good.

2009-07-01T21:22:00.002-05:00

We left the house before 7 a.m. today to drive out and pick strawberries.

Last year Kristie introduced us to a place with strawberries, raspberries, apples, and pumpkins, all sustainably grown, and we've been faithful customers ever since.

The kids and I picked over twelve pounds ourselves (which doesn't include the tons they ate while picking), and I bought an additional twenty pounds that had been picked earlier in the morning to take home to freeze.

I spent the late morning and early afternoon washing and hulling mounds of strawberries, while Sissy napped and Snacks worked in the back yard turning the giant freezer box into some sort of automobile contraption.

Dinner tonight was brown rice and lentils simmered with fresh green garlic and green onion with some wonderful bits of sausage thrown in. Dessert was a strawberry rhubarb crisp, warm from the oven.

2009-06-29T14:39:00.000-05:00

I love Sundays. It's the day we clean the house, put clean sheets on the beds, and I have plenty of time to be leisurely in the kitchen.

After our breakfast of fresh-baked bread, sausage and eggs, I finished making up the homemade cereal, granola, and yogurt, and made hard-boiled eggs for our lunch.

John spent most of the day in the yard with the kids. He trimmed up all the bushes and sent the kids in with two huge bunches of hydrangeas that we put in the kitchen and dining room. He and Snacks took apart Snacks' fort (a.k.a. my shed) while Sissy napped in the afternoon.

For dinner we had brats from the Trad Foods warehouse, fresh broccoli from the CSA box, and brown rice cooked with fresh garlic scapes and green onions.

It was a good day.

2009-06-27T22:48:00.003-05:00

I love being immersed in the world of growing and preparing food--it is becoming more and more a big focus of my life. One year ago I hardly knew how to cook; now I'm making three meals a day from scratch and enjoying (almost) every minute of it.

Wendi and I went to see Food, Inc. last night and John went to see it this afternoon. I haven't been able to talk John into reading any of my books, so I was thrilled to discover that the film rolled many of my very favorite books up into 90 minutes that would hold his attention. He came home ready to build a chicken coop in the back yard and even offered to help us fill the water barrels at Dowling this afternoon.

Earlier today Snacks helped me make bread. I measured and he dumped, and then we each kneaded a loaf while talking about why we don't buy our bread from Great H*rvest anymore (for example, they're not organic and they get their ingredients from C*rgill...) and what it means to genetically modify food.

I tried whole wheat bread flour instead of spelt flour in my rye sourdough loaves today. They felt a lot different while I was kneading them--less pliable, I think--and they didn't rise nearly as much as I expected them to. Also, they feel slightly heavier, if that's possible. I can't wait to slice one tomorrow morning to see how they handle and, of course, how they taste!

We had homemade pizza for dinner tonight for the first time in a long time. It was so much fun going out to my "kitchen garden" and cutting fresh basil and oregano for the sauce. I used green onions and garlic scapes from the CSA box. John grated the pizza cheese and made a spinach salad and the vinaigrette while I rolled out the pizza crust and made the sauce. It was nice working in the kitchen together, even if we do end up tripping over each other and arguing about who gets the only cutting board.

I've got yogurt warming overnight and granola and cereal soaking to bake tomorrow. Eggs from the farm with my fresh-baked bread and sausage from the Trad Foods warehouse for breakfast tomorrow. Can't wait.

2009-06-24T20:32:00.004-05:00

We ate the last of the CSA veggies tonight (except for a few potatoes that will keep for awhile). Both kids ate kohlrabi raw with salt on it. And--in keeping with the recently discovered miracle of no snacking--both kids ate my spaghetti. With sauce on it. With meat in it. Every bite. (Sissy even had seconds.)

I'm not a big pasta person, but I was especially proud of my spaghetti tonight because I made the sauce from scratch with green garlic and green onions from the CSA box, and oregano and basil from the back yard. It felt so good chopping everything up and throwing it in the pot.

I weeded the strawberry patch out back after the kids went to bed. It was hot and humid, but it felt good to be outside. I love the serenity of summer evenings.

2009-06-22T19:58:00.004-05:00

We went to Dowling around noon today and, for the first time, I realized that our garden plot is actually "part shade" instead of "full sun". Great for working in the garden; not so great for growing food. The raspberries, rhubarb, and lettuce from the previous tenant seem to be doing well...guess we'll see how my tomatoes and basil fare.

I finally stuck the little watermelon and cucumber plants in the ground in the yard today. It's so late in the season, I have no idea if they will even mature, but the kids picked them out and I figure it's all part of the experiment this year. I ate three ripe blueberries off my new bushes while I was watering my new plantings. Yum.

Finished up the last of the strawberry rhubarb crisp tonight along with the rest of the leftovers from this weekend. It occurred to me that we virtually have zero food waste these days. I have recently devised a system where I make a list on a sticky note of all of the leftovers so I can keep track of what needs to be eaten.

I bet we used to throw out 75% of our leftovers because they went bad. Now nothing gets thrown out and the tiny percentage of what doesn't get eaten is fed to the worms (along with all the egg shells, banana peels, etc.). I have just discovered that if I don't give the kids snacks, they eat ALL of their meals without complaining--vegetables included--and almost always ask for seconds. It's like a miracle. We used to have to take the trash out every single day because it was full. Now we're down to maybe once a week and that usually has to be taken out because it starts to smell bad before it gets full.

Snacks read the grace tonight at dinner for the very first time. He had to get a little help from his dad, but he did it mostly himself. We were so proud.

2009-06-21T19:47:00.004-05:00

I feel like fresh produce is running my life. I'm remembering now why I've gone with frozen fruits, veggies, and meat for so long--you have to PLAN and stay on top of things when food is fresh. I think I'm much more up for the challenge now, but I definitely have already learned some things about the CSA veggies.

Next week I'll know to use the edible greens from the veggies like radishes and kohlrabi FIRST, and then start in on the salad greens. I'm bummed the veggie greens wilted before we could eat them. I could make chicken stock with them, but I decided with all the "pressure" of the strawberries and my first CSA box, I'll just feed them to my worms. Next week I'll know better!

I've been harvesting and freezing rhubarb today, both from my yard and Dad's. I have such big plans, we really need to get that second basement freezer soon--I'm running out of room and it's only mid-June!

We finished up the last of the fresh strawberries tonight--we got quite a bit of mileage out of our bounty! We had strawberries and cream the first night, baked two strawberry rhubarb crisps last night, and I whipped up some Strawberry Fool for dessert tonight.

2009-06-19T22:54:00.004-05:00

Today the kids and drove out to pick strawberries. It was the first time the kids have picked them (they've done raspberries and apples...), and they had a great time. We didn't get as big of a "haul" as I had hoped for, but we managed over 4 p0unds in about an hour (plus what Sissy ate while she was picking--she ate everything she picked!) and we celebrated with strawberry sundaes afterward.

On the way home we stopped at Dowling since we hadn't been by the garden for almost two weeks while we were away. We couldn't believe how big our tomato plants have gotten! We harvested some basil, watered, and weeded.

Dinner tonight was inspired by the CSA veggie box and the leftover burgers from last night. I roasted some gorgeous deep purple potatoes and made a bechamel sauce from The Art of Simple Food to crumble the hamburger into--along with a handful of my very own homegrown parsley--which I ladled over the potatoes.

Tonight's huge salad included the rest of the butter head lettuce, spinach, arugula, parsley, green garlic, green onions, and radishes in white, red and purple, tossed with the same homemade vinaigrette as last night.

We ate in the back yard and finished off the meal with our freshly picked strawberries with pastured cream poured over the top.

Yum.

2009-06-18T22:47:00.003-05:00

Tonight's dinner was local pastured burgers on the grill, fresh milk from the farm, and a huge salad from our very first CSA box--butterhead lettuce, spinach, and arugula. I made a simple vinaigrette from The Art of Simple Food with green garlic and green onions from the CSA.

Doesn't get any better than this...

2009-06-17T22:37:00.004-05:00

We just returned from a week in Sandpoint, Idaho where the kids got to be with their cousins from sunrise to sunset every single day.

There were 33 of us staying in bungalows right on the water. When the kids got up and dressed, we could just let them out the door to run and play.

It was the ultimate freedom for all of us.

2009-06-07T22:50:00.003-05:00

This afternoon, Snacks and I released his caterpillars back into the woods by the school where he and Brenna found them last week. He had me take a picture of each and every one of them just before he let it go. This is a picture of his very favorite one, "Snowy White".

While he cried a little about it last night as we talked about doing the "right thing" and letting the caterpillars go, he was in good spirits about it today. I was really proud of him and told him so.

On the way home, we stopped at the fish store to do some information gathering about getting him his very first pet (if you don't count the caterpillars, of course...or the dog that we've had since long before he was born...).

I thought I'd get him a couple of goldfish in a bowl (he planned to name one of them "Greg" and Sissy was going to get to name the other one--I'm sure it would have been something like, "Orange Fish" or just plain, "Fishy"), but it turns out that it's a myth that goldfish can live comfortably in a GOLDFISH BOWL--they actually need a larger tank, and an air filter, and some other things that total up to over $200 just to get you started.

After a call to Gramma Ruth to see if she'd take care of his new fish while we are out of town next week, we left with a gorgeous (and much, much cheaper) betta (Siamese fighting fish).

Released from the teeny tiny vase he has been living in for who-knows-how-long, he is now happily settled in his spacious new home (a.k.a. my old kombucha crock) and, I must say, he looks mah-velous as the new center piece on our dining room table.

2009-06-06T19:37:00.005-05:00

Peonies are one of my very favorite flowers, along with lilacs and lily of the valley. We cut a few and took them to Snacks' teacher on his last day of kindergarten. Today I got around to cutting a bunch for our dining room table. You can't beat fresh cut flowers from your own yard.

I think I've finally talked Snacks into letting his caterpillars go. He reported that one didn't survive last night, and I'm guessing that we don't have the right leaves for them to eat. We've tried maple, birch, rhubarb, lilac, Virginia creeper, hosta... they don't seem to be eating any of them. He is sad about letting them go, especially the babies that hatched from the eggs he had, but I explained that they had a much better chance of surviving in the woods than they do in his little plastic box, and he seems to understand.

We think we'll drive them back to Dodge where we got them so they can find their old homes. I'm not sure about letting them go in the yard since I don't want to be introducing some caterpillar species that we don't already have in our neighborhood, just in case...

I told Snacks we could look into getting some fish when we get back from Idaho. He seems to be ready for pets of his own and I think I can handle a couple of goldfish.

I've been busy with my latest project of figuring out exactly how much everything we eat costs. I've gotten sort of fanatic about it--comparing prices between several different stores and figuring out how to get things at the best cost. I'm probably driving John crazy following him around telling him the cost of everything he is putting in his mouth, but it is truly fascinating to me!

For example, I can make a loaf of organic sourdough bread for $2.22, while I used to pay $5.75 for a genetically modified loaf from Great Harvest. And I can make a quart of organic yogurt with milk from cows on pasture for $1.88, when I used to pay almost $5 for a quart of organic yogurt from cows in a CAFO.

Most of our food is actually much more expensive than what we could otherwise buy, since we're buying eggs and fresh milk straight from a farm and I insist on buying pastured meat, so I've been having fun figuring out the cost of each serving--this should help me lose weight really fast. It's definitely cut down on the amount of food that the worms get--we salvage and reuse a LOT more than we used to.

2009-06-05T22:52:00.003-05:00

I've recently discovered that I'm quite handy with a drill. Inspired by The Complete Tightwad Gazette, I've been "saving money" left and right by drilling holes in all kinds of things for Snacks to keep him occupied now that summer break has started.

Today he spent a couple of hours in the back yard with a plastic water bottle with a hole drilled in the cap that he could squirt water out of. I figure that's more hours than he's spent altogether on the hundreds of dollars worth of toys he got for Christmas...

2009-06-04T21:11:00.004-05:00

Today was Snacks' last day of kindergarten. He got up at 5:00 a.m. and asked if he could go right out to the back yard to check on the caterpillar he'd brought home from the woods by the school yesterday.

The caterpillar apparently wasn't smart enough to climb out of the open Kleenex box overnight, so Snacks was happy to report that "he" was still there at the crack of dawn. He traveled back to school again this morning to be admired by all Snacks' classmates. Somehow he stayed in the Kleenex box all day, and even got to go to the end-of-school assembly.

After school Snacks' got to play with his three favorite school friends. They gathered about 30 more caterpillars from the school grounds and woods--luckily only about 10 of those made it into our Kleenex box.

We had to stop at home on the way to our celebratory lunch to drop the caterpillars off so they didn't roast in the car (or crawl out of the Kleenex box, for that matter...) We pulled together a quick homemade terrarium for them.

After lunch and ice cream--and a quick stop at Dowling to water--Snacks spent the rest of the afternoon naming and watching the caterpillars.

Before bed, Snacks and I sat on the couch and went through his "Summer Suitcase". It was so cool to look over all his school work and art work from the past year. I can't believe how much he's grown and changed since September.

2009-06-01T20:00:00.002-05:00

School is out in 3 days. My plan for mornings this summer is to get up (the kids are up between 5:45 and 6:15), grab something portable for the kids to eat for breakfast, and walk the dog to Dowling to water and weed before it gets too hot.

Today was a little bit of a practice run when the kids and I stopped at Dowling on the way home from school to water the tomatoes and basil.

We each grabbed two watering cans from the shed, filled them at the water barrels, and the kids watered the marigolds while I watered the food plants. It worked even better than I had hoped!

2009-05-31T20:44:00.003-05:00

I love Sundays because we usually don't have any plans. I make a big breakfast and then clean the house first thing before the kids get "squirrel-y".

Sunday has also become "baking day", and it's often the day that I undertake some big new cooking project since I have more time. Today, along with my usual loaves of sourdough bread, I made chicken stock. It made the house smell wonderful all day as it simmered. I am especially proud of this batch because I was able to use the first bunch of parsley from my new herb garden!

2009-05-29T20:49:00.004-05:00

All of my tomato and basil seedlings are finally in over at Dowling. I ended up having a LOT more room than I thought I would because my neighbor told me I could keep the basil seedlings grouped together...so I filled in with marigolds that I got for 1.99/four-pack from the neighborhood garden store.

I read that marigolds help keep insects away from plants...though I admit I have no idea what kind of insects or what kinds of plants...

2009-05-17T22:20:00.004-05:00

Today was full, but wonderful. Perfect sunny weather. The kids had fresh milk and melon for breakfast while John and I had oatmeal and fresh eggs from our new CSA.

John played Go Fish with Snacks, picked more flowers with Sissy, and went to check on his truck, while I started the Weekly Home Blessing, hauled the tomato and basil seedlings outside, baked two loaves of sourdough bread, soaked cashews and almonds for crispy nuts, and made lunch for the kids.

Sissy "peed on the potty" for the first time ever today--a very big deal!

Late this afternoon we all went to Dowling to clean up our garden plot and pull a few weeds before grilling local, organic brats for dinner and finishing up the last of the cream on some more organic strawberries we found at the co-op. Yum!

2009-05-16T22:11:00.004-05:00

John and the kids picked a huge bouquet of lilacs for me today. John calls it "Extreme Lilacs"...and for good reason. I love that I can smell them from the next room.

Sissy also picked a bouquet of lily-of-the-valley to put next to her bed.

John and I had a rare date night tonight. We walked to Craftsman where their food is 99% local and sustainable. It's a little pricey, but worth it to feel good about what we're eating and to support a local business whose philosophy we strongly believe in.

2009-05-15T19:44:00.003-05:00

I started reading Jenna Woginrich's Made from Scratch last night and I love it.

Homemade pizza for dinner tonight. We finally got the pizza stone to work without the crust sticking to it. The only "missing piece" for me now is the black olives. (I finally found pastured cheese and pastured pepperoni!) Now I just need to find black olives I feel really good about, instead of the ones I'm "settling" for from Wh*le Foods.

Organic strawberries and cream for dessert.

2009-05-13T21:20:00.002-05:00

The kids and I spent the afternoon enjoying the back yard.

They picked dandelions and played in the dirt while I pulled weeds, trimmed and bagged branches, tended the pansies and the strawberries and, finally, got to relax in my favorite lawn chair under the sun umbrella with one of my new cookbooks.

I tried cooking beans in the crock pot all day today (I think it worked!), and I'll try rhubarb in the crock pot tomorrow.

We are still enjoying the lilacs that John cut for me from the yard a few nights ago--there is no better heavenly scent!

Lunch Menu

2008-10-01T13:10:00.004-05:00

Cold local free-range chicken

Wild yeast sourdough bread served still warm from the oven with local grass-fed butter

Homemade local organic vegetable soup made with fresh homemade free-range chicken stock

Warm apple cobbler made with local apples picked from an orchard on Monday

This is what I ate for lunch. All made by me.

Anyone who knows me will probably go into shock because, previously, I didn't cook. Now I spend all the time I used to be blogging in the kitchen or at the co-op or at a farmers' market or an orchard.

Life here is good.

Wednesday Check-In

2008-09-10T00:01:00.003-05:00

I haven't felt much like checking in lately, especially since I've just been maintaining, but I thought I'd at least document the journey that I've been on the past month or so. I'm still about 45 pounds to goal (down 36 from my starting point), but I'm thrilled that I haven't been gaining.

I've been on a big reading binge this summer. First I started with Good Calories, Bad Calories, which led me to The Omnivore's Dilemma, followed by In Defense of Food, Nourishing Traditions, The Maker's Diet, and Wild Fermentation. Next up is Animal, Vegetable, Miracle--I can't wait.

I've been spending a lot of time reading and researching, and I've recently been experimenting with a lot of recipes which, for me, is a Very Big Deal. I feel proud that the food that I'm feeding my family at home has no chemicals or preservatives--not even a single ingredient that I can't pronounce or purchase myself at the co-op.

We haven't had fast food since the end of June, except for one stop on the way to Duluth--it used to be every day, sometimes even twice a day for me. I can't remember the last time I felt guilty about what I was handing my kids to eat--which is saying a lot since it used to be several times a day that I'd beat myself up for feeding them so much crap.

I've been able to stop my sugar binging and have found that even if I slip and go a little crazy at an event away from home, I've been able to get right back on the wagon with my food at home.

I've stayed firm in my resolve to avoid relying on running to lose weight. I want to get solid in my food and add running later when I feel like it--not because I have to. I've been walking the dog each day now that it's cooler just to get out and connect with nature--cheesy, I know, but totally awesome. I'd been feeling depressed for a few weeks and one day when I took the dog down by the river, I realized it was because I was missing that connection (with the outdoors and with myself) that I had previously gotten by running. Now I try to get out with the dog, by myself if possible, at least once a day. I discovered I have a craving to walk on the grass--not just a cement sidewalk or asphalt path--so I've been making sure to get down by the river where I can indulge myself that way. It has been making a huge difference (along with the food) in my mood and my outlook.

Now that I'm feeling steady with the quality of my food, I feel ready to move forward and work with the quantity of it. For the next week, I'm going to commit to myself that I will not eat after 7:30 p.m., and I won't snack between meals.

Remembering Danielle

2008-08-19T13:17:00.001-05:00

We will miss her very much.

Snacks shows off his

2008-08-18T20:44:00.001-05:00

trophy and ribbons from his second gymnastics meet!

Daddy's Little Swimmer Girl

2008-08-18T20:09:00.002-05:00

Can't keep this fish out of water!

Mommy doesn't always...

2008-08-18T19:55:00.003-05:00

exercise good judgement.

Best of Friends

2008-08-18T19:21:00.004-05:00

We spend a lot of time with Snacks' friend Jus and his family. One of the things we like to do is hang out at the zoo.

Recently we had our best zoo day so far. We spent over five hours exploring the new Russian Coast exhibit and the farm on a hot, hot day. We got popsicles to cool down and then the kids ran through the shower sprinklers out on the Northern Trail. They got soaked. It was a blast.

Raspberry Picking

2008-08-15T19:37:00.002-05:00

We spent the day picking raspberries at Apple Jack's with Jus and Frankie and a couple of their friends. The kids had a great time and we picked (and ate) more berries than we ever imagined we could!

Wednesday Check-In

2008-08-14T21:12:00.005-05:00

I am up a couple of pounds this week.

I'm almost 2 days sugar-free again. It took every ounce of strength I had to keep from driving straight from class tonight to the grocery store to buy cake and a pint of B & J's to eat in the car.

I've been on a sugar binge since Thursday of last week. I remember the exact moment that I made the conscious decision to "fall off the wagon" again. I've been trying to convince myself that I can make "it" work if the only sugar I eat is in the blondies and cookies from Great Harvest (since, after all, they're kind of "healthy"...), but I've been fooling myself, I know, because it can never be limited to "just this" or "just that."

If I can make it a couple more days, I'll be okay again and I'll be back to not caring about sugar. I am particularly interested in getting back on the wagon now because Snacks starts kindergarten in two weeks and I want to be in total control of my crazy emotions (and therefore the rest of my life) when I have to deal with my little guy going to school full days five days a week. We have the State Fair next week and a family vacation the following week that are going to present definite challenges for me.

The good news is, I've done this enough to know that I will get back on track. I know how my slips start, I know what they lead to, and I'm able to get back on track more quickly and without as much weight gain as in the past.

The awareness is priceless.

Listening to what Sissy has to say

2008-08-11T11:49:00.002-05:00

is fascinating. She is adding words now like crazy.

Last week she put two words together on her own (I'm not counting, "I do!" because as far as she knows, that's just one word she learned from her brother that will get her whatever he has...). She's been running around saying, "My room,"--which she put together all by herself--since we swapped the kids' rooms last week.

Wednesday Check-In

2008-08-06T22:22:00.004-05:00

I completely forgot about my check-in this week until I got home tonight and saw Jen's email check-in in my inbox. Ooops!

The good news is, I'm keeping pace with my plan to lose a pound a week. That has been very manageable for me. I'm back to weighing myself every morning after trying for a week without. I find it makes a big difference for me.

I've been beating back the sugar beast again this week, but hopefully have that back under control. I'm finding that I have very little interest in food at all (which for me is HUGE) when I'm not eating sugar--food becomes something that I have to remind myself that I need to eat. It is wonderful and freeing.

I've been reading The Omnivore's Dilemma this week--another book that has totally turned my world upside down. I went on a field trip to our local co-op tonight BY MYSELF so I could actually take my time and read labels and farm bios. It was an awesome experience. I have a lot homework to do to try to switch as much of our weekly grocery shopping as possible from Wh*le Foods & Trader J*e's to the co-op. I'm excited!

Yesterday, Snacks Declared

2008-07-30T21:18:00.002-05:00

that he was not, in fact, going to go to his new school in the fall...

because he doesn't want to practice wiping his own butt this summer.

Wednesday Check-In

2008-07-30T21:09:00.004-05:00

Not surprisingly, whenever I have a Wednesday where I've gained, I have ZERO DESIRE to check in. But I'm forcing myself to do it tonight--if only because I knew Jen will check (hi, jen).

I'm beating my sugar addiction and had lots of successes this week, unfortunately part of beating the sugar cravings included eating a lot of fruit and eating several tons of cheese...which, of course, showed on the scale.

This next week (and I already started today), I'm working on the following:

Curbing my new cheese-instead-of-sugar habit

Getting away from eating at night (where did that come from this week???)

Getting back on the scale every day (the once a week thing didn't pan out as I had hoped)

Walking or running more--not so I can eat more or lose more, but because I am tired of feeling my muscles atrophying and I've been having trouble sleeping, which sucks on many levels

Sometimes I Wonder

2008-07-28T18:59:00.002-05:00

if she can really be my kid...

Sissy often turns down sweets for vegetables.

Sissy's First Haircut

2008-07-28T18:44:00.002-05:00

was last week. I took her to my salon.

Here she is reading ladies' magazines while waiting for her turn:

In the chair:

And celebrating afterward with her victory Tootsie Pop:

Snacks Woke Me Up

2008-07-23T11:26:00.002-05:00

from a deep sleep at 4 a.m. to ask, "What are we doing tomorrow?"

I think it's time I get him his very own calendar.

Wednesday Check-In

2008-07-23T10:56:00.002-05:00

I am up several pounds since my last check-in two weeks ago. I'm bummed, but I'm not freaking out. I've mostly been maintaining for the past several months--losing and gaining the same few pounds. While I wish I were dropping pounds, I'm grateful that I haven't been watching the numbers continue to climb. I feel pretty good that I have been able to easily maintain a weight loss of almost 40 pounds for almost two years.

I've been doing some "soul searching" in the weight loss department these past few weeks. I've wondered if I would just be happy maintaining this weight, and I've decided that, no, I won't be happy long-term this way.

Even though I can wear clothes in a size that doesn't horrify me from regular stores like Gap, or Ralph Lauren, or whatever, I would like to feel more comfortable in pants and wear skirts and sun dresses without looking like I am wearing a tent. I want to feel pretty and flirty and not always be tugging at the front of my t-shirt to make sure I feel covered in all the important places.

I recently realized that my expectations of myself were unrealistic and that I have been setting myself up for failure. Because I was losing 3-5 pounds a week while eating McDonalds and drinking pop when I was running and nursing, I wanted to keep that up, even after Sissy stopped nursing and I was unable to run because of an injury. I was frustrated with myself because I wasn't losing at that rate, even though I know it's not healthy to lose weight that fast on a consistent basis, and that I would be less likely to keep it off if I was successful at that rate.

SO, my new goal is to lose ONE pound per week for the next year, which will get me to my goal weight by July 23rd of 2009.

I will do this by continuing to strive for healthier eating, as I have been for the past several months.

Right now "mini meals" are working wonders for me psychologically to keep me away from the drive-thru. It has been almost a month since I've had McDonald's or other fast food. I don't miss it or my pop at all.

I've discovered that if I eat a sugary treat, it will likely not be limited to just that one. It will likely lead to sugar bingeing that lasts days or even a week before I can pull myself back on track. The same goes for fast food. I watched everyone else eat ice cream cake and drink pop at a birthday party last night and I didn't even care. I didn't crave it, I wasn't sad, it was just there.

I am taking my scale down to the basement today where I will visit it only once a week, instead of every day. That way I won't see that I have lost a pound one day and decide that I can "afford" to eat a little more the next, thereby sabotaging myself.

Also, I don't want to HAVE to exercise in order to lose weight because I know that is not something that I can always be consistent with. I love to run, I love to walk, but sometimes circumstances--from my recurring injury to whining children--make doing those things very difficult. I want to exercise to get fit and to feel good, but not to lose weight. I've committed to changing my diet so that I can lose without needing the extra "Points" that working out affords.

Lastly, I want to make a point of celebrating what I AM doing well, instead of beating myself up for what I screwed up on. I don't spend enough time congratulating myself for beating my pop addiction and for successfully avoiding the drive-thru (which also means I'm saving lots of money!).

And now I'm off the back yard for some quality "me" time--something else I've been doing consistently for myself!

Running Through the Sprinkler

2008-07-21T10:44:00.004-05:00

has been a favorite pastime this summer. Several afternoons a week, we end up in the front yard blowing bubbles and getting wet with the neighbor girls.

Almost Every Saturday Morning

2008-07-21T10:37:00.003-05:00

for the past five years Kiki and I have met to walk around Lake Harriet followed by a bagel and Brueggers. Sissy has been joining us since she came along (Snacks is always invited, but he prefers spending Saturday morning hanging out and watching Spiderman with his dad...).

It's always fun picking out Sissy's special "Kiki-worthy" outfit.

Jackass Update

2008-07-21T10:34:00.003-05:00

For anyone who was wondering, my husband spent the next evening emptying the dishwasher, reloading all those that had piled up in the sink, and picking up the house after the kids went to bed.

And no, he will probably never learn.

Jackass Quote of the Day

2008-07-16T20:52:00.003-05:00

Just in case some of you have been missing these from Marlee's Rant...

"It's not my job to come home at the end of the day and pick up
after the kids when I haven't been here all day."

(I had asked him to empty the dishwasher.)

If this is any indication

2008-07-13T20:31:00.004-05:00

of what the Terrible Twos are going to be like, then we are in BIG trouble. Today before we went for a walk, I switched my orthotics from one pair of shoes to the other. Apparently, Sissy felt I chose the WRONG pair of tennies and this is what happened:

I mean, was it really THAT big of a deal that I switched from these:

to these?:

I mean, is she freaking KIDDING ME???!!!

Today I discovered

2008-07-12T21:03:00.004-05:00

ANOTHER reason it's important to latch the screen door in the front (the first reason is that Sissy has learned to let herself out and wander off on her own)...

This evening, while I was sitting on the couch reading, Sissy was on the front porch saying "hi" to passers-by. Before long I heard the little girls from next door approach our front door. They said "hi" to Sissy and kept asking her if she was going to come out. Then they tried to bust her out. Luckily, I had remembered to latch the door so they couldn't just let her out--something I hadn't thought to worry about before--but they kept trying and trying while I just sat on the couch quietly listening to the conversation:

Sissy: "Hi!"

M: "Sissy, are you going to come out?"

Sissy: (silence--although there may have been nodding that I couldn't see)

M: "Are you going to come out?"

(Door is banging repeatedly while the girls are trying to pull it open to let her out.)

H: "Sissy, are you home alone?"

M: "Are you home alone?"

H: "Are you home all by yourself?"

(I have no idea what Sissy was doing at this point, maybe nodding, but I DO know that she had NO IDEA what the girls were saying to her... I kept waiting for them to say, "Is your mommy home?" Or, "Where's your mommy?" which she would have understood and could have answered, but they never did).

M: "Oh my gosh! She's home alone!"

H: "You're by yourself in the house?"

M: "I better go tell Mom that Sissy's home BY HERSELF!" (runs off to tell her mom)

But, alas, the pizza delivery man came just at that moment and ruined all my fun.

I PRETENDED like I bought this little guy for Sissy...

2008-07-12T21:00:00.001-05:00

but he was really for me.

(Isn't he cute?)

This may be one for the record books

2008-07-12T19:18:00.003-05:00

World's Largest (and Longest Lasting) Snot Bubble

(Yeah, I know it looks like the bubble's coming out of her mouth but, trust me, it's not.)